Reflections so far

So, I've been here for over a month already. And what have I got to say so far? I've been trying to think of a way to write things that have been running through my brain this past week. Although I am in denial, I think I may be experiencing some negative culture shock, the anger and dissatisfaction with another society. The Irish culture isn't very different from our own, but it's like seeing the other side of America's own prejudices and stereotypes. 

I get a lot of mixed signals from students and I find myself closing up and having trouble being outgoing. I am closer to Americans than the Irish which, although I love my friends, I wish I knew more Irish students that's why I'm here.  I feel like a lot of the women are nice here, but there is still a barrier, but that could just be because of the nature of women to be exclusive (admit it, we can be). I feel like the men here definitely like to feel in control and the more powerful figure of the sexes. I've experienced this a lot in the bars when men are flirting with you they automatically have to touch your back or your waist to show their masculinity which I find to be annoying. I just wish I could have guy friends to just hang out with.

I have also been told by a few Irish men that I need to "loosen up" because I look "sour" sometimes when we are in pubs. Even though I know I should come out of my shell I'm not going to throw all caution to the wind in a pub just so people won't think I'm sour. I have also been confused by this because one of my friends was told to "calm down" once when she was drunk. So I am not sure if we should loosen up or calm down. The Irish have a stereotype of Americans as being "loud and dumb" according to a party I was invited to for international students. I agree with the loud part though, you can generally pick out the American students in a bar. To some extent there are some Americans I am embarrassed to be associated with here and it's disappointing. 

So I feel like I'm on the defense. Sometimes I actually feel nervous to admit that I come from America. One of my friends told a guy she was from Canada, just to see, and he replied "well, that's hell of a lot better than being from the US". I'm just starting to feel confused as to whether we are truly welcome here or if even Ireland is losing respect for us because of our political issues. I feel that they automatically blame any American for what is going on instead of seeing us as individuals. I've almost wanted to retort about their own civil conflicts that just finally came to an end.  I don't want to insult people, but they don't realize they are insulting me. 

But maybe I'm just feeling this negative because I've been having so many issues getting everything settled here. I feel like I can't quite enjoy myself because I always have something hovering over me. I don't know if I'll really get close to any Irish students here. It's difficult to get to know anyone in class, because you come in, sit down, take notes, and leave. And although I have joined clubs nothing has really started and so I'm still not meeting anyone for more than a "where are you from? oh really? that's cool" conversations. 

On a brighter note, I have bought plane tickets to Barcelona and Belgium (Brussels). I'll be going to Spain for a long weekend with a friend of mine from RWU who is studying in Florence. Then I will be going with one of the girls here to Belgium in November. And then Celeste told me that she is coming here for a week just in time for the end of my classes!